My Brother's Legacy: A Steadfast Stand Against Corruption

My elder brother was a quiet and reserved man.  Unbeknown to many, he was a simple family man , a homebody, who  spent more of his free time singing,  reading, gardening, raising pigs and chicken,  and the most recent was fresh water fish culture (of catfish and mudfish) right in his backyard. He lived a frugal life with less hassles and less words. But unbeknown to us, his siblings and family, he was a  civil servant extraordinaire packed with brilliance and action. He was a silent warrior against ineptitude,  against dishonesty, against corruption in government. These extremes didn't make sense to me. My brother's legacy of a lifetime was his long-enduring fight against corruption.

Among my elder brother's work associates and friends I had contacts with, I was easily remembered by them by a rather long address, "the sister of Ben" than my 4-letter name "Lita". There were times then when I got repulsive, feeling that my identity was being obscured, overshadowed,  and seemingly lost to my brother's popularity. Was he really that popular?

The answer was not elusive. I stumbled upon the answer to that question by accident and a lot more accidents after. He was a relatively new college secretary of Pangasinan State University- College of Education (PSU-CE) in Bayambang, when I got a scholarship grant there for my Master's Degree in Communication Arts, English. In my 2-year stint as a grantee, I learned that my brother was well-loved as an honest fellow, not loud but shy and reserved. And he was gaining popularity for his integrity, ideas, and ideals beneficial to the academe he embraced to be the source of his bread-and-butter. He was a well-respected man.

My Brother Was a Good Man

1. First Major Accomplishment

          He lead the hard-core "Magic 7" comprising of 7 young professors of PSU Bayambang, who ousted the university president for wrongdoings no longer tolerable by the staff. He handed a position paper to the then Philippine President Fidel V. Ramos during his incumbency detailing the prevalence of graft and corruption perpetrated by the university president. The complaint was heard and justice prevailed.

2. Second Major Accomplishment

          He was transferred to one of the university component undersiege of corruption, a remnant condition left by the  ousted university president. He "cleaned up" the mess, and PSU Urdaneta is now known to be a haven of his various novel innovations benefiting staff and students as well. Peace, love, security, and success prevails in this component. Again, justice was served.

3. Third Major Accomplishment

          His loyal associates wanted him to run for presidency so that he could cover all 11 component colleges that need his expertise. He preferred the vice presidency position for Student Affairs. He was based at the main office here in Lingayen. His heart was all-out in support to the welfare of students.

            But he worked hard to put in place a new university president he perceived could clear the colleges of scattered hints of wrongdoings. However, he failed, not once but twice. The first beneficiary of his hard work lost in his second bid for presidency, all because of  my brother's extraordinaire strategy and influence.

           The second one he helped to rise from the ranks as university president, (I had  a long conversation with this guy during the wake of our father when he was being  hotly groomed for the position by my brother), turned his back from his promised war against graft and corruption and in less than a year of his term, corruption  not only flourished, it raged like mad in the main office and several others identified as his bulwark of misdeeds. Justice was muddled, spat upon, trampled down.

4. Fourth Unfinished Business (The Mother of All Wars against Corruption at PSU)


         My brother formed the "F-9", a group of honest, hardworking, competent, die-hard supporters of clean and honest government service. It's much larger in  membership than the "Magic 7".  This started with a few originators,  was  founded on February 9 hence the "F-9" and has been gaining support since. A carefully planned rally happened in the annals of PSU in Lingayen, the first ever in history.  I was there. I rushed to my brother's side for filial support after I got our parish priest's (Fr. Rolando Salosagcol)  blessing on my brother.  I felt the maneuverings of the university president, holding at bay, the approaching supporters from the other component colleges.

           PSU Lingayen was a virtual war zone with the president's private army on the roam. The rallyists had only a makeshift platform and the microphone at the closed gate of the university. And their airing of grievances. Perhaps their only consolation was the media coverage that monitored the activities. It was an orderly rally, a signature mark of brilliant minds and peace-loving civil servants.

           Funny, but as the much-celebrated case progressed, I learned that the beleaguered ( or proud ?) president filed an early retirement. Then not long after, he re-entered the university in a much lower position. What would you, my countrymen, make of this?

5. Unfinished But Still Going Strong

The case has now reached  the Ombudsman,  and the F-9, vowed to pursue justice come what may. Their next meeting according to them, could have been last February 15, a Saturday, 3 days after my brother's 66th birthday on February 12, and after his checkup in Manila.

On February 11, my brother succumbed to complications of diabetes. His condition was put at risk , he contacted pneumonia at the ER for staying unattended for 7 hours. Due to his chest pain , he  was supposed to undergo an emergency heart bypass at the Philippine Heart Center where he went for his regular checkup. His angioplasty lasted for only 7 months. He was being prepared for kidney transplant on April 11.

The sorrowful F-9 group still pushed through their planned get-together through a serenata at his wake. They sang the way they used to do until the wee hours of the morning.

My Brother's Legacy

My  brother, Dr. Benigno Ferrer Castro, Sr. , Ed.D., Ph.D., vice president of Pangasinan State University, Lingayen, Pangasinan, leaves a shining legacy in the portals of education, that it's hard to fight corruption but it is possible to put up a steadfast stand to hold it at bay while the slow grind of justice  moves. I hope and pray that in the end, justice would prevail and the perpetrators of this crime against the people and government would get the harshest punishment according to law.

I'm very proud of my Kuya, my idol, my hero. He made a clean name,  not only for himself but also for his family and us, his siblings,  with his  unwavering resolve to run after the  undesirables, those who enjoyed their perk in government offices, surrounded by private armies and living in ostentatious display of their loot through corrupt practices.

And for a lifetime,  I'm giving more meaning and value to his legacy to me, "the sister of Sir Ben".

I'm at Risk of Heart Disease

Sorry, my dear friends, if I let you down for the last 2 weeks without a new post. My nephrologist  suspected that I suffered from  transient ischematic attack, a kind of  mild stroke.  I didn't realize that my heart was already complaining until I finally had my check up last January 20.

I landed at  the hospital last December 20 for what I believed  was caused by over-fatigue. My new doctor, a cardiologist, who performed my ECG,  found a non-specific result- which she explained further as- my heart condition was in the border line- not very bad but neither was very good. And she suggested that I took  a 2D Echo test.

Unsuspecting that I have a heart risk, I dilly-dallied over my cardiologist's suggestion for me to have a 2D Echo test for a better view of my heart condition. I was hospitalized because of some spiky feeling that started from my left hand. I massaged the area caring less, believing that it was just one of those recurring muscle  cramps I usually feel in my lower limbs because of my peripheral neuropathy. The electrifying spikes crawled up my shoulder and made 2 tugs where my heart is. I felt so weak that my friends who were with me when it happened in church brought me to the nearest hospital.

Since the eerie feeling was short-lived  and didn't make a return the days after, I decided to postpone the 2D Echo thing until my January checkup with my nephrologist. While waiting for the visit to my doctor, my daughter and I regularly went to the beach for our early morning brisk walks or jogged the good stretch of the beach.  I did some outdoor exercises, too. At least, to have  my heart pumping away my seeming physical  inactivity due to longer period of time sitting in front of my netbook.

It was last January 20 when I visited my  nephrologist. I told him what happened and why I was confined to a hospital. He told me I might have had a mild transient ischematic attack. My high blood glucose and cholesterol level results can be the factors that have caused it, he said.. And he urged me to go see my cardiologist the soonest possible time. He also said that there were clear factors in me that make me at risk of heart attack and stroke.  True enough I read an ad in the Reader's Digest, March 2009 issue about this.

Check and if you have two or more or all of these, see your doctor today.

• Are you a woman over 50 and have passed over your menopause? (Yes)
  
• Do you have a family member who had a heart attack before the age of 55? (Yes)
  
• Do you smoke or live or work with people who do? (No)
  
• Are you overweight by 20 pounds or more? (No)
  
• Is your blood pressure 140/90 mm Hg or higher? (No)
  
• Is your total cholesterol 200 mg/dL or higher? (Yes)
  
• Is your HDL (good  cholesterol) less than 40 mg/dL? (No)
  
• Is you fasting blood sugar reading 120 mg/dL or  higher? (Yes)
  

I have 4 to qualify for a heart risk. So the next day, I submitted myself for the 2D Echo test. I rejoiced to know that my heart is in good condition. However, my cardiologist  told me that whatever happened recently was a symptom of heart risk common among diabetics with high blood glucose and cholesterol levels combined that  I must not ignore.

I thought I needed a little rest and review of what I did the past weeks.  I knew I had mismanaged my diet during the Christmas holidays. I realized I ran out of strips for checking my blood sugar and missed my monitoring. I also wondered if my medication was strictly followed on the dot as I would forget once in a while especially when I was busy in my computer room.

My elder daughter suggested that we took our vacation in Manila  which I readily approved. I knew it was her subtle way of saying, no internet for a while. Well,  I also wanted to be with my younger daughter who works in Manila although this meant I would be temporarily cut off from my blogging. (I lack sleep due to blogging). There's no internet connection over there. I'm impatient  with  the prepaid as alternate.But she meant well so we left for the big city.

While in Manila, I felt relaxed. It was good to be doing nothing but sleep, eat, and go to the malls. My 2 daughters were very caring. They brought me  to the mall. Oh, I loved to be pampered once in a while. I would pose here and there and my daughters gladly took my pictures.

I was craving for a pizza (I love pizza inspite of the cholesterol, oops!) so we went to Sbarro. It was my first time to eat at Sbarro's. The pizzas are very thick, very big, and heavenly delicious. My daughters ordered only half meals of their favorite pasta but each plate was really full,  more than I expected for a half meal. They were careful that I get just enough calories. We don't usually serve cola  drinks at home so they chose the no sugar added drinks.

My vacation was enjoyable! It was something I missed since my days of nursing my seemingly unending ailments at home.  Now I'm back to a careful diet regimen. I'm careful in choosing the food I eat to lower my "bad" cholesterol as well as my blood sugar level. I monitor my blood sugar with my glucometer. I take my prescribed vitamins and my Lipitor for  my cholesterol check. My blood glucose reading today is trimmed down from 162 mg/dl to 140 mg/dl in not less than a week. So I'm doing fine!

                        

I'm giving my body a lot more care because I don't want to complicate my sensitive health condition as a diabetic. I vow to keep my cholesterol and sugar levels in control. What is important is, I have finally returned home- with  my new Asus Notebook PC which I bought at the mall.

Memoirs of the Christmases I Cherish and Miss Today

All my life, I never missed a single Christmas celebration, not since I was of age to know about Santa Claus and lanterns, Mama Mary, Papa Joseph, and Baby Jesus. I was never sick nor was I away from home at Christmas time. I almost missed one, when my youngest daughter, Kit, was two months old. On the eve of her baptism, a lingering pain in my tummy that I felt after normal delivery, worsened. The following day, at the height of the baptismal party at home, my husband rushed me to a hospital. Back home, nobody knew I was operated on before midnight. Blackened blood clots were found to have caused the pain in my appendix. The slow decay was spitting out poison into my bloodstream.

That was December 26, one day after Christmas. So you see? I never really missed that Christmas, I just missed the fun of my baby's baptism. I have always cherished my past Christmases with my loved ones. This time of the year, I would sit back and relax, lost in the happy recall of those days of fun, of family togetherness, of my humble beginnings.

My Christmases with Tatay (Father)

Tatay to me used to be the all-knowing, invincible man, with a disposition an inquisitive child like me, could lovingly admire and whose many surprises I enjoyed to the fullest. He was my Nanay's (Mother) joy when in times of peace, he was her friend-no-more when he pissed her with his playful antiques. I just wondered why Nanay would react the way she did at Tatay's playful jokes. I enjoyed those times tremendously, anyway.

I grew up in an environment where most of the neighborhood children seldom went to school. But my parents saw to it that all 9 of us, their children, went to school and received good
education. Their efforts paid off. My other siblings graduated valedictorians, salutatorians, with honors, where I had none. Well, I was not the dumb one, I might not have been as lucky as they were. But I used to be a teacher's pet, too. Well, I finally received one- in my post graduate studies. I graduated with academic excellence!

So, it was in school where I learned about the Santa Claus Tatay introduced to us-when I was not yet in school. Santa Claus, the white-bearded, pot-bellied, sleigh-riding old man from faraway land who gave us our Christmas gifts on Christmas eve, if we were good. So I used to try to be very good, at least for Santa to know. I learned about the story of the first Christmas in school, that Tatay was always ready to confirm and many stories about baby Jesus and His family and many things my peers didn't know about.

Perhaps, it was only in our house where a decent-looking Christmas tree stood quiet and stately even if its decors were made of cheap stuffs. The tree used to be a pine tree cuttings Tatay would bring home on his sturdy shoulders, courtesy of his janitor friends at his workplace in the Capitol building. As soon as he had it placed on a strong base, say an empty petroleum can, he would fish out from his pockets some colorful balloons. How we siblings enjoyed blowing the balloons to hang. We would decorate our treasured tree very artistically. I couldn't keep back smiling today over those balloons, because every time the wind blew, out puffed the balloons, to our dismay. Tatay, would buy the next day again.

I would save a few coins to buy Christmas balls , candies I hanged, which I would count from time to time, lest a naughty sibling might pick to eat. I bought some beautiful old Christmas cards in a Catholic school that sold such item to us children. My 1 peso would yield a big bunch of say, 20 pieces of cards, which I tied with thread and likewise hanged. When the wind blew, I would clap in gleeful wonder over the cards turning around and around. Imagine that? In the eyes of a child it was a perfect Christmas tree, and that which I believed would make dear old Santa stop to look for the socks I hanged.

We never bought any of those commercial lanterns. My Tatay and our elder brothers made home-made parols (Christmas lanterns) or lanterns from strips of bamboo, then covered with white or red or yellow Japanese paper. Inside each parol was a candle holder, to be lighted when night came. Oh so beautiful lanterns, in front of our windows. They were everybody's envy. The neighbors would come over just to watch the twinkling parols like stars in the night. Did anybody fear for possible risk of fire? Nobody did! Because Tatay and Nanay kept watch until it was time to sleep.

On Christmas eve, I used to tell myself not to sleep, in case Santa arrived, so I would be on a night watch to see him put the gifts in my socks. I really wanted him to put at least the things I wrote in my letter to him. Santa never seemed to know. But Tatay would say he was too busy to even look. Many children all over the world were also waiting for his coming. But I thanked him, for the candies, anyway.

We would be awakened from deep sleep by our parents to dine together at midnight over hot pancit with puto or sandwich with margarine and hot chocolate. What irked me though was Tatay's habit of making us wait until he was able to distribute a plateful of pancit-puto-sandwich to each of our neighbors. Rain or strong cold wind, didn't deter Tatay from giving out food. I never went out with him, as I was afraid of the dark.

The next day, December 25, we would have a festive meal of meat for lunch, steaming beef or pork stew, or sort of heavy dish complete with dessert, which we enjoyed with unexpected visitors, too. Tatay never seemed to have ran out of people to feed at Christmas time. I grew up into adulthood accepting that our house was a big mess hall for our neighbors, relatives or not. During special celebrations or even not so special ones, that called for preparing of food, Tatay saw to it that we, his children, would be giving food to the houses in the compound.

Christmases with Dad (My Husband)

When I got married, our paternal tradition during Christmases, was somehow internalized in me that I saw no great effort on my new family to follow the same. Like our dear Tatay, Dad, enjoyed the very same things we did. We introduced to my 2 daughters early in their lives about Santa and all that stuff. However, they were very clever, than I was, because they discovered early also that Santa was a hoax, and that Santa was actually Daddy, sneaking out when they fell asleep waiting for the "Ho ho ho ho ho!" and the clatter of reindeers' feet on our rooftop. Santa they said, wouldn't be bringing them candies they could very well buy in the old sari-sari stores nearby, they could have been strange candies, chocolates, and goodies they only saw in foreign magazines as Santa was a foreigner.

Since it was only Tatay and Nanay left alone in their house, (adjacent to ours), we would move in their house for the Christmas "noche buena". Food was much more aplenty then, than when I was young. Dad would teach the 2 girls how to bake cakes and would dress them up with florets, and icing, too. No one but Dad and I would go around to give food to our neighbors. I couldn't say "no". Just like me when I was young, my 2 daughters would reason out that they were afraid of the dark.

We didn't bother Tatay and Nanay to buy special gifts for each one of us during Christmas when we were young. To us, exchange gifts were better enjoyed in school. After all, they would buy us the gifts we exchanged in school anyway. We would keep away our received gifts to open on Christmas day. Not before, or else the magic would have weakened its effect on us, receivers, or so we thought.

But to my 2 daughters, gift-giving was a must. We would go to the big City (Manila) for the shopping. When they were young, we bought their necessities in school anyway, like a new pair of shoes, new school bag, and their favorite- which they would insist to buy themselves, were pocket books like the Nancy Drew Adventures type, What Are Friends For? etc. As they grew older, they didn't want their Dad and I to shop for them. This idea was introduced by their Auntie Nela, Auntie Lina, and Auntie Edna who gifted them, with gift cheques. As they went around the malls for their loot, Dad and I would just sit and wait until they were done. We would then evaluate their items which often were trinkets, a growing up wanted to have. And so, poor Dad would still chip in for new shoes, bags, dresses, they wanted after all.

Once in a while, Dad and I would force the girls to come along with us for the Rotary and Innerwheel Club Christmas Parties to which we were active members. Or to other clubs' Christmas Parties, we used to attend as active members before or just after December 24. I still remember today the last Christmas party we attended, in December 28, 1999. He was very happy even if he was already feeling a sort of malaise in his right side by the hips. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer, January 2.

Christmas was never meant to be sad for us. We would go around the big city, in a caravan with my other siblings and their children, to take a good view of the Christmas lights and lanterns that adorned Makati. We could stay for almost the whole night just watching the live Belen (Christmas manger depiction) in Greenhills and wherever we learned of good treats for children. We would go around sore in the throats with our "ohhhs" and "ahhhs" as we appreciated what we saw along the way. I really missed those happy days with Dad.

Today, I would bring myself first to great effort, before I could put up my own Christmas tree or decor at home. Not that I don't want to celebrate this special occasion, but I seem to have lost my festive mood as the season approaches. I often live alone at home, that perhaps, is the reason. I cherish these fond memories of my past Christmases and I really miss a single bit of the experience we had- until this day.

I just can't wean myself entirely from those memories, but my recent Christmases with my 2 daughters are more than enough to make me smile again. They are always looking for ways to make me enjoy not only the season but my life as a whole. We have each other to relive the moments. I have 2 wonderful daughters to share my thoughts with. This alone, makes life enjoyable and pleasant.

The Boy I'd Loved Before

He was a flushing chubby school boy of 17, fair-complexioned, a typical Manila boy, very neat in white polo shirt and black pants, surprisingly shy and boyishly handsome. He was quiet and reserved. He stayed a good distance away from me, that was why he amused me, but honest, I thought I liked him the first time I met him. Nahhhhhh! It was not love at first sight. He was 17, I was 23. He was 5 years my junior.

He came home to spend the semestral break in November, 1968. He was a sophomore taking up Mechanical Engineering in Mapua, Manila. I was one of their teacher-boarders, in my second year of teaching in public elementary school. The acquaintance was casual. Before the week ended, he returned to Manila. We were just friends. Days became months, months became years. He would come home in many unexpected ways. I found myself secretly longing for those visits. We addressed each other "Joe" ( meaning friend ).

He would visit me at our own place. My family, especially my younger sisters, used to ask me why he came often. I told them, he was my landlady's son and we were friends-just friends. And Mother believed me because whenever he was around, he was happy just playing scrabble or cards with my younger siblings. And how he laughed- those loud and boisterous laughs, so different from the first day we met. I would be unmindful of them playing while I continued whatever chores I was doing at his presence.

Some other times he would just show up in school, which of course, I didn't like because I was afraid my fellow teachers might give it other meaning. When I transferred to our own barangay school, he didn't stop his visits. His family used to come, too, especially his grandma who brought baskets of fruits from their orchard, on my birthdays and other holidays like Christmas. She would in jest tell me his grandson liked me. I realized, in my heart, I wished it was true.

He would come home from Manila at times loaded with his school work. I offered to trace his drawings of accumulated unfinished plates for him. My two younger brothers who were studying in Manila taking up Civil Engineering and Architecture, thought it was weird. He was not even my boyfriend. But as years went by, a unique kind of friendship blossomed between us.

Then one evening, during a Closing Exercise in our school, he came with a cousin. During the program, in which I was master of ceremonies, there was great teasing from the speakers pairing me with the PTA president. I was worried because he was there and heard it all. I didn't know he was invited for the dinner by another teacher. The next day he came to school again, in time for our pupils' clearance. I was at the principal's office, too busy to entertain him, so he decided to leave with a word that he had something important for me that he placed on my chalk ledge in the classroom.

I was not very curious about it, so I didn't look. When it was time for me to go home, I remembered. And there- on the chalk tray- was a golden ring. My hands shook when I fingered it. Inside, it read "Ruben". Instantly, I unlocked my necklace and slid it there with my other pendant. I was sleepless that night. From then on, I wore my necklace inside my dress neckline. I was afraid of what my family would think about it. And besides, we didn't even talk about it! I waited for him to show up the next day. He didn't show up, not even the whole summer vacation. One day, when my wits was at its end, I received an endearing Social Telegram, telling me he was busy since he was graduating that year. The telegrams would arrive more often after the first. I wished those were his personal letters, but then I was happy to read over and over again the socialized telegrams.

Then one day he came. He said he had no time for those visits, although he wished he did. He was apologetic. I was waiting for my chance to open up concerning the ring. But I didn't have the heart to disturb his exceedingly happy countenance. I learned that, he was happy because he was indeed graduating and he invited me to come. And in not so audible words, he said I was his inspiration. I felt elated, I agreed to attend his graduation! Just like that. No explanations, no nothing. I was excited!

My parents allowed me to attend his graduation in Manila, but not without chaperons. At the Mapua gymnasium where the graduation rites was held, Mar, Abring, and I sat a good distance away from his parents, so they could enjoy by themselves the fruit of their toils. When he marched in front of us, toward his seat, he looked at me sheepishly. I remembered the ring! Oh yes, the ring! Momentarily, I put my hand where it was- in my necklace around my neck. Goosebumps in my neck, I felt dizzy. I thought of confronting him about the ring. But how and where? It was just crazy!

The commencement exercise was long but I was overwhelmed with emotions, I didn't realize it was already over. He broke away from the recessional, jumped over the barrier that separated the graduates from the audience, for all those people to see. I just laughed because few of the graduates soon followed suit. His parents were seated in the front seats but he seemed not to see them despite my desperate signal that his parents were near him. He went directly toward me , hugged me tight and planted on my lips, the first ever kiss I'd known in my life! I couldn't look at all of my companions in the eyes. But, that was it! We were sweethearts!

Seven years after, I sat to write my love book. It began with a dedication, thus: "To The Only Man In My Life". The old yellowed manuscript still remains in my own handwriting. And it ended, this way: "Today, I'll put an end to this love story. Thank God, that I was able to go through all those hard days and nights I spent on this unique piece of work. Now, I'm very happy I did it. I know I'm stopping my pen temporarily. Love, the future has many yet in store for us. I swear to you our time has just began. Only time can tell when I will decide again to continue writing about our unending love life. You are my love, my life, my everything. I know one day, we will be together to make our own dreams come true. Then one day, I will be inspired again to sit down and write- with you- to fill up the remaining spaces in this love book of ours. 'Till Death Do Us Part." Love Eternal. Signed (in my maiden name).

We were married in January, 1976. He was 24, I was 29. We were so blessed to have each other to have and to hold. I didn't ask for more. He was everything I thought of to be my life's partner. He was a friend , a father, a husband, my prince. We were blessed with two beautiful daughters, Pot and Kit. They were so happily close to each other, that there were moments when I thought I was jealous. Since we saw to it that God is the central figure in our family life, it was much easier to shake off idle evil thoughts. We became closer to God, knowing we were different from the rest, in terms of family relationship. I'll never forget what my eldest daughter said about her Dad, he just gave and gave, even without them asking.

Until that fateful evening, after 23 years of our happy married life- I begged of him to leave. He refused. He cried bitterly. I put up a good front, despite the tears rolling down my chin, the lump in my throat, and the piercing ache in my heart, I insisted for him to let go, in God's name.

And God gave us time to talk it over. I knew we had to. We all had suffered so much, us, his family, his friends, and everybody whose lives he touched. We both cried and laughed from our flashbacks of our life together. I gave him a hearty kiss, I had no inkling that it would be his last. I decided to call it a day at 4:30 am, exhausted, aching, surrendering all to God, despite his last request for another log roll in his airbed. His last sentence, said in his usual careful and most affectionate tone, "Minsan pa sana" (One more time, please). I didn't reply. I heard him sigh "hmphh". I smiled a naughty smile and drifted away to sleep.

At 6:30 in the morning of November 20, 1999, I stirred from my rather shallow sleep, to find out that the boy I'd loved before and will love forever, was finally about to leave. He wanted to say something, his saliva rolling down from his lips and his teeth clattering. I told him, "Hush, my darling, I know everything you want me to know. I tried my best, yes, we all did, but your time has come. Forgive me for surrendering you to God now". Quickly, I told my maid to go to church for a priest. Together, Pot and I, held him in a tight embrace and whispered our undying love for him and promised that we would hold on as always. Kit was coming home from school in Manila that day as she promised one week ago. We cried silently. His tears rolled down, too.

He died in the middle of our parish priest's last prayers. His peaceful countenance , framed inside the shadow of our steel window and illumined by the early morning sun, will forever be etched in my mind. He succumbed to prostate cancer within 9 months after discovery of what caused his pains and listings, earlier diagnosed as UTI by our family doctor. The last 9 months of his life, will never be forgotten. They were the most difficult, but were indeed the best my 2 daughters and I gave him- all seconds spent to enlighten him- through our continuous bible sharing. We forced ourselves to accept his predicament because we were racing with time. I know his doctors did their best. We gave him quality life. We laughed, we cried, and prepared him everyday for his crossing the bar.

Today, November 20, is Dad's 10th year Death Anniversary. God Bless you Dad. I love you.

My photos:
1st photo was taken during my husband's graduation in college.
2nd photo is a picture of the "Love Book" I had written years ago, a gift I gave him, after his two year stint in Saudi Arabia in return for our beautiful dream house he built for us. Pot was aged 5, Kit was 2.

IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD

That phrase has sunk into my consciousness for decades now. It has become a cliche that buoys me up whenever I'm feeling down and out. I've been out of circulation for a while because of recent calamities that struck our province of Pangasinan. After clearing the dirt left by Typhoon Pepeng in our yard, my daughter and I paid my brother a visit at his place in Bautista, Pangasinan which was one of those worst-hit towns.

There, we actually saw ugly prints left by Typhoon Pepeng along the way and learned some untold damages from my brother - concrete dikes collapsed, houses were washed-out, local cemeteries bore proofs that they were submerged in flood waters, ( the family mausoleum was submerged up to its rooftop), my brother's house is still surrounded by sticky "linang" (mud) and the dirt and the mounting foliage in it couldn't be swept, furniture inside their house warped and drawers don't fit when put back, the once speck- and- span tiles of the whole house carry unsightly stains , appliances were not spared from drowning in the flood, too.

Efforts to wipe away the ugly signs can't hide the damage done. The laundry is still wanting for clothes left that soaked in the flood. Normalcy is still far to achieve in and out the house, at least on my personal observation by my sister-in-law's standard of home care . My brother told us that if the dike at Bacnono didn't collapse, their house must have suffered much, probably submerged up to its roof. He sighed at the pitiful situation of people in that part of the town of Bayambang, the nearby town.

These were one of those bad times after our good times in the family. We don't have control over them but we can solve them when they happen.The inner strength never leaves us because we have great faith in Him who does all things possible here on earth. For example, my brother's nightmares at the height of the deluge (although he accepts that he didn't panic) could have been compounded after the flood, were it not because of the quick and precise response of his absentee-wife, and their children in Abu Dhabi.

My sister-in-law through long distance advisory, set up work force by contacting people she trusted who helped clean the house and its surroundings from the debris. She was not a school principal for nothing, always systematic and has that respectable commanding prowess. My brother didn't lose time to inform us that he was well and not burdened by the house re-structuring and clean-up. He added that as if my sister-in-law was all there with him in person. Were it not due to his health status, he would have accompanied his wife to Abu Dhabi in time for the birth of MJ, their new girl apo (granddaughter). What more could he ask for?

This November, we are anticipating another family gathering, to pay respect to our beloved dead, and for sure, to update each other with the recent calamities we all suffered. Our siblings from Cainta, Antipolo, Quezon City, Nueva Ecija, Cavite, and us here in Pangasinan will each have our good times and bad times to tell. But it's most probable that some will have to be excused for not attending because of some twists of luck in the family.

My newly-widowed sister and her children from Quezon City will spend the night vigil on All Saints' Day for their beloved Daddy. Another sister will forgo the trip back home to Pangasinan due to her affliction. She was diagnosed with slip disc and is undergoing traction procedures and needs complete bed rest. Our eldest brother in Cavite is having hard times taking care of his son with cancer. It is this year also that most of our nieces, nephews, and their families have migrated to Canada and the US. The clan is undoubtedly thinning out due to opportunities of good life they pursued some years back. But our family tradition of spending All Saints' Day together will go on and on. It is just one or two days a year which we offer for our beloved Tatay and Nanay.

So, you see, I find my cliche working strong again in me. It's my way of soothing my ruffled feelings, of aching to be with my siblings and their families, but simply can't. For the meantime, knowing that we all have our built-in strength to face life's challenges, I will live with anticipation that one day God will make a way, to ease our pains, to wipe away our tears, and to comfort us in our afflictions- and be happy together again. What we will surely miss is our childlike ways of trying to outdo each other in our singing habit- but the videoke can wait. The Castro Clan is a "singing family" which our neighbors and relatives likewise enjoy to watch and listen.

Yes, in good times as in bad times, we are one loving family.

MY BROTHER AND I: IN RETIREMENT

My elder brother recently retired from public service like I did. He left an honorable position as a state university vice president at 65 in February, 2009. I bowed out from teaching as an elementary grades master teacher II at 62 in November, 2009.

As retirees, Kuya and I have only few things in common and a whole lot of difference. We are both educators. I do quite better in campus journalism, he excels in statistics and research work. Armed with these God-given talents, we both face the bleak horizon confronting us as retirees. Because we want to make our retirement days worth living for, not bereft of excitement and challenges , we listed our planned projects that differed tremendously. I wanted to repair my house, he wanted to build a printing press building. I wanted to spruce up my ornamental and vegetable gardens and my small orchard, he planned to put up a swimming pool in his front yard. While we were in this process of our separate planning, we didn't realize that our own families were exchanging notes against our plans in our backs. Ha ha ha!

Obviously, their idea about retirement is rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, ours is work, work and more challenging work. In fairness, their reactions are not left unreciprocated by Kuya and I. We honestly thank them for always being there at our sides, reminding us that we both are not hail and strong like we used to be. He is hooked 3x a week on a dialysis machine and is taking daily lots of oral medicine and insulin shots. I have a milder case and also on a daily oral med with insulin injections. We are both diabetics. And we earned from our families this unimpressive term- "matigas ang ulo" (stubborn), for going on with our plans. Yakkk!

Since I live away from my daughters I was able to accomplish the projects I planned to do, with less hassles from them. I had the roof of my house and our vacant family house repaired and repainted, including other repair works. I spent a lot of my time in my ornamental and vegetable gardens and my little orchard. I wanted to do more, but unluckily, I was down with diabetic neuropathy aggravated by shingles infection on my right thigh. I was also diagnosed with an onset of osteoarthritis. I'm now confined at home dutifully following orders from my doctors and obeying my daughters' strict surveillance of my activities and medication through a house help (I didn't need one then). I chose to compensate myself out of my temporary loss of freedom to move around by trying my hands on blogging! My daughters bought for me a cute netbook. Isn't this a blissful life? I found blogging as a sort of pain relief and stress release, too!

How about my beloved Kuya? Well, his indomitable spirit (translated- stubbornness) merited him and his family very good projects. When my siblings and I visited him at their house (Sis Rose flew to Abu Dhabi to baby sit her newborn apo MJ., Congrats Dianne and Manny! Hi, MJ!), we were greatly surprised with the transformation in their house and around the yard. Instead of a printing press building there now stands in their front yard a sort of a mini-resort type of lawn garden, very inspiring and beautiful. When we applauded him for this, he said he is on the process of researching on how to maintain a swimming pool, because he felt that the printing press house will never materialize. Of course he was met with apprehension from all of us. Sis Rose and Dianne strongly disapproved of this. Who will maintain it and how? I guess his pronouncement of this hidden plan will again receive a strong thumbs down from them and the squabble will never end.

My Kuya never seems to run out of ideas in search for anything of his fancy. Few weeks after having underwent an angioplasty, he went over at my place without my sister-in-law's knowledge. I was full of apprehension because of his health condition. But he was able to contact a relative to make a fishing boat for him, motorized if possible because he knew he couldn't put his arms to good use anymore. The poor fishing boat which was ready in few days' time, minus the motor, now lies between my house and our parental house, its bottoms up, and never ever touched the river. In his younger days Kuya was a good fisherman. He frequented the nearby river either for fun swimming or trying his new fishing gadgets to catch fish. When I texted Sis Rose to report that incident, he received admonitions from the wifey. As usual I was the victim of her misgivings. I'll never be able to get out from this impression of her about me- consentidor! Hayyyy! Ay, sorry!

The last time my siblings and I visited our Kuya, which was only last week at this writing, he entertained us with his first harvest of broiled catfish (hito) from his backyard aquaculture project. Sooooo delicious and such a health food that the fishpond won a downright thumbs up from us. I remember that when we first learned about it from my sis-in-law who reported that he built that fishpond, we were also angry. I even said that my brother will not die of diabetes but he will, of dengue. Well, that was when we learned that his first fingerlings of catfish and mudfish (dalag) all died. But he didn't give up and today he proved he was right. His fresh water fish are thriving on commercial feeds and potable water from their deep well, the same water source for their household use. He proudly demonstrated to us how to catch the fish with big long handled wire-netted scoop and with his stateside fishing rods with earthworm baits. The large cemented aquarium-like container about my chest level (four feet high) that neatly stands in their backyard is proof of my Kuya's genius in research work. Congrats!

His old pig house was turned down and a large poultry house now stands in that place. He showed us his few pairs of very large chicken for a start. A new pair of turkeys arrived, courtesy from his balae from a neighboring town. As he toured us around the backyard, we could only say ahhhs and ohhhs with his fruit-bearing cocoa trees, his newly planted calamansi seedlings, seedless orange tree, avocado trees, and you- name- it- and- you- have- it animal and plant life all proofs of his lust for experiments and research.

When I bragged to him about my new-found preoccupation of blogging, not an effort to outrun his projects because I will never compare of course, he announced that he was planning to create his own blog (watch out for this coming blog here) about research and statistics, his real love, so that he will continue to share others his novel projects and discoveries. You see? That's how stubborn my Kuya is ! Never-seeming to run out of energy. I now raise my white flag in surrender. I can only hope and pray that our retirement days will continue to give us inspiration to tell all and sundry that life is not empty for a retiree. That is with God's unending blessings and our families' on and off approvals. Hehe!

REMEMBERING JESSIE

Jessie Ni is a Chinese national. She came to Manila sometime in the year 2000 to pursue her studies at the De La Salle University. She lived in my Sis Nela's house. She is not a relative but her "Unkuh" William and Aunty Nela treated her as their own daughter. She finished her post graduate studies with a Master's degree in Special Education(SPED). After graduation, she went home to her family in China. That was the last time I saw her.

She comes once in a while to visit her foster family, the Wei family. She continues to be in touch especially with Unkuh William. She used to make the first move to say hi and exchange updates about life with them. My daughters would receive text from her, too. I never had a chance to see her personally but she always sends me her regards.

Jessie is a smart beautiful young lady who is happy by nature. Her Chinese descent can hardly be noticed. She passes easily as a "fashionista" Filipina with flawless complexion. Her Filipina looks worked to her great advantage. She never got herself into trouble during her stay in the country. She is health conscious. She knew when she had crossed the line and was afraid to look fat. I will never forget how a good cook she was. I liked her dumplings.

Despite language barrier (she could hardly express herself in English), she was a good listener and showed that she was a fast learner. Soon, she was enjoying herself learning basic words she needed in daily conversation like "Para Mama", "Sa tabi po Mama", "Bayad ko po, Mama", "Salamat po", which she used to brag when she came home after classes. I remember how she laughed when instead of saying "Bayad po Mama", she said "Para Mama". And poor Jesi alighted from the jeep because she didn't know what more to say.

She loved to go shopping on weekends. She used to be thrilled like any other student when classes were suspended. She would go out shopping with friends, with her foster family or even by herself. She was confident because she knew her way around the city. She haunted the SM, Rustan's, Harrizon Plaza and even Quiapo and Divisoria. She would come home excited to show her purchases- bangles, earrings, trinkets, clothes, bags, shoes, and almost anything a moneyed-single lady would buy.

In Filipino slang Jessie was not "plastic". She used to say she didn't like people with such bad attribute. She was lovable because she was sincere and related so well to people close to her. She is a well-bred interesting lady. Her own parents must be very proud of her. And they trusted her so much. She used to tell us that she would bring us with her to China to attend her wedding when she finally found her Mr. Right.

However, little did she knew that her Unkuh William will never become her Ninong. He died a very sudden death recently. We tried to reach Jessie but we failed to contact her through her cell phone because William's phone book yielded only phone numbers. We prayed very hard that she would make a call. And she did! When Jessie called, her Unkuh William was already interred in a cemetery. She cried bitterly and came home to Manila within five days. She arrived on the forty-first day of his death, to pay her last respect to a lost loved one. I had not seen her because I went home to the province after the 40th day family commemoration and prayer.

Before she arrived in Manila, she was able to get our email address from Aunty Nela and we chatted. Indeed she finally found her Mr. Right. It was then that we learned that she was busy those days because an engaged-to-be-married party was just thrown for her and her fiancé, a Chinese-American, based in the USA. Her fiancé and she were also working on her US visa. She called to share this happy event in her life to her foster family, not knowing what happened. Amidst that merriment, Jessie still went out of her way to show her undying love and loyalty to her Unkuh William.

We, foster families of Jessie from the Philippines, wish her all the best and congratulate her and her fiancé, Jason on their approaching Wedding Day. Best Wishes and Good Luck! Muwahhhh!